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Also, you “get” to be the forgiving spouse, and he is stuck being the one who “did you wrong.” That’s not a fun role to play no matter how deserved it might be. You are going to have to connect with each other on a deeper level and recognize that you are both suffering without focusing on laying blame for that suffering at his feet.

The impulse to lash out and hurt when we’ve been hurt is very human but ultimately not helpful if you want to reconnect.

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He/She had an affair and ‘gets away’ with it because I want to stay married.” That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an angry, resentful place. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in pain as well, you may have an opportunity to connect with each other. You are going to have to focus on the good that is between you, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the pain of infidelity.

I urge you and your husband to find a couples counselor who can work with you on how to reconnect after an affair.

You can build something together, and it can be something beautiful, but it will be something new.

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